Why Ana Doesn’t Suck Nearly As Hard As You Think She Does (At Least Not Figuratively)

For Valentine’s Day, I decided to share some thoughts about E.L. James’ dubious masterpiece. You know the one? The book where this rich dude stalks and then seduces a vulnerable young woman into a BDSM relationship, repeatedly raping her just to prove to her that what they have between them is real and worth preserving? AKA, the most romantic book of all time?


I read the first Fifty Shades of Grey book three years ago because my roommate at the time was reading it. I knew going into it that it was pure smut. And  felt ashamed of myself for taking those baby steps down the road of literary soft-core porn in the guise of BDSM edginess.

Who am I kidding? What guise? There was no guise. Unless by “guise” you actually mean “guys.” There was a “guy.” Not plural, but to read E.L. James words, if you were to gather up all the men in the universe and add them together, they could not have equaled the sum of Christian Grey‘s parts.

It’s not that I find sex to be dirty, per se. I just like to tell myself that I have standards when it comes to what I will and will not read and watch. That there has to be some value to the story and that it’s purpose is not solely to titillate the bored mind.



But what can I say? I am human. And I am weak. And I used the fact that it’s good to be informed about the things that other people are talking about in society as a way to justify this morbid curiosity on my part.


Needless to say, I found very little about FSOG that was at all redeemable. The characters were trite. The writing was atrocious.


That being said, I want to take a moment to dissect why it is women hate Ana so much.



One of the things that people focus on when they talk about the trite characters is the way in which Ana Steele is described as a shy, awkward, virgin with fluff for brains. If the virgin character in Girls is the most non-virginal virgin you have ever met, Ana Steele is all the way at the other end of the spectrum. I’m a Mainer so I’m going to use a Maine metaphor here. It’s like the two young women both live in Maine (metaphor for land of the virgins) but the girl from Girls is in Southern Maine and Ana is way the hell out in Farmington. That’s assuming we can take anything any of the girls from Girls say at face value, and I have serious reservations about that, but that’s for another blog.

I can think of a lot of things that are wrong with this book. But one thing I don’t think was a problem with Ana’s character is that she was inexperienced. I know that lots of women and men feel threatened by a girl such as that. She doesn’t live up to the expectations we place on women these days. And I’m not trying to turn this into a “Down with Patriarchy” blog post because I know that men have a lot of unfair expectations placed on them as well and this is in no way meant to imply that I feel so devalued as a woman. It’s just discouraging to think about all the things that women are supposed to be and compare that to what I have accomplished in my own life. As a woman who has a few things in common with Ana at the start of the series---bookish, never dated, shy, etc.---- I feel the need to defend her. Even though I admit, she is a badly written Mary-Sue, she‘s still a Mary-Sue I can somewhat, sorta relate to.



There was a day when the worst thing you could do was have sex with a guy you weren’t married to. And virginity was a prized quality valued by all. Nowadays, I don’t feel that virginity is all that prized. If you’re a virgin in your twenties, or God forbid, in your thirties, forties or so on, you must be damaged goods. It’s because no guy (or girl) wants you. You must have some kind of defect. Or even if you don’t, men are intimidated by you because they’re afraid you’ll turn into Clingy McClinger on them (most likely, they were only looking to use you up like a Kleenex and toss you like a piece of litter on the curb when they were done anyway, but still, that's way harsh, Tai!)  So immediately upon learning that Ana is a virgin, she’s already earned herself a reputation as a poor excuse for a woman. If she had any worth, surely some man would have picked up on it long before her final year of college. The fact that she never seemed to miss the company of men is of no consequence to anyone. It’s because she’s a silly little girl who couldn’t possibly know what it is what she wants. She’s never even masturbated. She has no idea what it takes to arouse her. She likes books? Books bring her pleasure? Ha! What a trifling little fool.



Anyway, so we’ve established that Ana is not a woman to be looked up to because she’s never had sex. Also, she seems to be of low intelligence. It’s been a while since I read the books, so I can’t remember if she was a good cook or a good little housekeeper or if she had any aspirations to be a top executive for a well-known company. So what use is she to anyone? And how come she should be so lucky to fall in love with a rich, handsome guy like Christian Grey on her first go around and have multiple orgasms the first time he even so much as lays a finger on her when every other woman out there---living in the real world---had to suffer through painful, humiliating first times and probably kiss a lot of toads before they ended up with anyone halfway decent? Not to say that Christian Grey isn’t a toad. He is a psychotic, stalker rapist. But hey, that’s only because E.L. James bought the lie. The lie that says that if he’s not rich, handsome and willing to rape you just to show you how much he cares, then he probably doesn’t care enough and you’ve just settled. And the fact that so many women read these books and go on and on about how sexy they are only proves that the lie has taken on a life of its own and at least speaks to a deeper desire that women have. The desire to find something thrilling and romantic with someone who cares enough to stalk them. Hell, the average woman probably feels lucky to get a text on her birthday. And we may resent Ana because she’s not as smart as we think she should be. We would never be so stupid to fall for a toxic man who doesn’t really treat us with utmost respect. And why should she be so lucky to have a man dropped on her doorstep when she didn’t do anything to work for it. It wasn’t like she was out there working the streets or investing money into her local bars or dance clubs with the hope of reaping the rewards of a potential future relationship. She didn’t do shit. And look at where it got her? A pretty damned awesome first time with the kind of guy all the women are swooning over!



When thinking about this, I came up with a personal motto. And I felt it was a pretty apt one for Valentine’s Day. It goes like this.


“If you have to work for it, then it’s really not worth it.”



It was somewhat inspired by Al-Anon. Yes, I’ve been to Al-Anon because I am one of those flawed women who made the mistake of getting involved with someone who I expect was an alcoholic but, more importantly, was most definitely abusive.  I no longer associate with this person but it took way too long and way too many nights of crying myself to sleep, feeling like I was walking on egg shells with a gun to my chest at all times, ready to go off at the slightest move I made.  But the hard thing is that sometimes the things that hurt you most also help you in ways that make it impossible to regret your past mistakes. I am also a woman who is of average intelligence (though I think I have a pretty damn good memory and I feel I’m pretty good at writing my thoughts down though I suck at speaking them aloud). I don’t have any aspirations to be a big wig for some multi-million dollar company. My dream job is to be an assistant, so that I can just make some cash while being of service to others and then devote my personal time to the things I really love. I don’t want kids. And I don’t know as much as I should about current events. I‘m not a master cook (which is shameful not only as a woman but as an Italian). I try to keep my floors vacuumed, though I’m sure I do miss spots (and weeks). But one of the most inspirational things I’ve ever heard was at Al-Anon when someone told me “If you don’t know what to do, do nothing.” The point was that the right thing to do will come to you if you meditate on it and don’t try to push a resolution. And so it inspired this new motto of mine which follows a similar logic but is related to relationships.



People will make you feel that there’s something wrong with you and that’s why you’re single. Or why you ended up in a relationship with a douche bag and it took you way too long to realize it. But what I’ve decided is that if there’s one thing in life that is free, it is love. You don’t have to follow a bunch of rules in order to be worthy of it. You don’t have to pound the pavements night and day looking for it. When it’s the right time, it will come to you. And perhaps the fact that Ana spent so much of her time in tears was a pretty good indicator that Christian Grey wasn’t the right guy for her. But please stop with the Ana is stupid, Ana is weak, Ana doesn’t know what she wants, an experienced women would have known better! Let me tell you something. Experienced women certainly do not always know better. And one of these days, someone is gonna write a BDSM book to prove it to you. Hopefully by then, it’ll be old news, and we’ll all be on to bigger and better things.



I hope you all have a great Valentine’s Day!