I Unsubscribed To a Girl on Facebook the Other Day

*Here is a fictional piece I just wrote that seems to fit in with the mood of my blog.  I used characters from my interconnected short story collection which I've been working on for the past few years.*


I unsubscribed to a girl on Facebook the other day. She was posting statuses I didn’t like --- talking about the upcoming weekend and how much fun she was gonna have. Screw that! I don’t need to read that shit!

I feel like I should give a little bit of history here so that you’ll fully appreciate exactly what it was that this so-called woman did that really cramped my style.

We met through a mutual friend.  Let me clarify.  This mutual friend was actually the unrequited love of my life.  He and I had grown up in the same town and gone to high school together.  We'd dated off and on for two years.  This girl was some chick he'd just met at the video store where he worked.  Apparently she was a valued customer.  How nice!

She was the one who added me on Facebook.  I didn't want to be rude. 


And then, a few days after we met, she had to go and post this as her status update.

“I can’t wait till Saturday night. Saturday night is gonna be so much fun ;) !!!

I get this awful feeling in the pit of my stomach. 

Could it be?  No.  No way.  I laugh to myself when I think about how disappointed this girl is gonna be when she finds out what my ex-boyfriend is really like.  In fact, he's probably already dumped her ass.  I'm clearly being paranoid.

Yet the bad feeling stays.

I wait for her Facebook updates so that I can ease my mind of this crushing fear and innate knowledge that something is very much indeed rotten in the state of Denmark. Maybe she’ll finally come out and admit that the exciting time she is so looking forward to is some got-damned barbeque at her aging grandfather’s house. Maybe he’s serving up her favorite dish special --- pigs in a blanket.
Anyway, I don’t get my wish.  Instead, on 1 am on Sunday morning, she posts only this:

☺

I snap.   Oh no, you didn't.  Bitch is going down!

I click on the right hand corner of the post and select “unsubscribe.” I am asked if this is what I really want to do. I click “yes.”

Her post mercifully slinks back into the Facebook Hell she crawled out of.

I am free.

Relief washes over me.

Good, I think.  That's done.


A week goes by and because I’m am such a weak-willed loser, I go to her profile to see what that silly little girl has been up to these days.

This is her most recent post.

Can’t wait till Saturday! 

My God, this woman is incorrigible. She must be some kind of sex machine, geared up to go off on the weekends.

I rant about it to my best friend over the phone the next day. I relate back the whole sordid tale.

“And on Sunday morning, she posted a smiley face,” I said.

My friend is silent for a moment.  “What kind of woman is she?” she finally says.

I agree. What kind of woman is she?